Diary of Carolyn

Chapter 1

My name is Carolyn James. I am presently twenty-four years of age. What follows is a compilation of my personal diary from the age of thirteen to about age nine-teen. It is a fairly detailed description of my experiences in self imposed bondage and personal pain infliction. I am certain there are others who participate in this type of sexual deviance (deviance meaning only different) therefore I sincerely hope they enjoy this personal account of my pains and pleasures. For those who think me to be crazy, evil, or just plain out of my mind, be careful to keep concealed whatever secret fantasies you have (we all have them) otherwise you might really screw up and cause yourself some real pleasure.

I was born in the town of Hammond in the mid western state of Indiana. My parents were average middle class rural American people with enough income to live a very comfortable life. I was also an only child due to complications at my birth leaving my mother unable to conceive any more children. Although it would have been nice to grow up with another brother or sister, being an only child did have it's advantages. Actually, when I think back over my childhood, my mother was most affected by her unfortunate sterility. I didn't see it when I was young but she had few friends and spent much of her time either reading or doing house work or fiddling with this or that to occupy her time. Although she in no way abused or mistreated me, I've always felt she somehow blamed me for her inability to conceive another child.

My father worked as a farm implement salesman. This, however, kept him away from home much of the time due to the great distances he had to travel servicing the various farms in Indiana and Illinois. He was almost always home on the weekends but in general would only pop in one night during the week and that would be only to catch a few hours of much needed sleep. Of course, not knowing how my mother was before I was born, and however introverted she had become, my father was just the opposite. He always seemed full of energy and it is difficult for me to recall a time when he wasn't smiling or laughing or telling stupid salesman and the farmer's daughter jokes. It is only recently I've come to realize how much I missed him as a child.

I had always been skinny as a child. Not what you would call undernourished, but until I was about fourteen I guess I did resemble a proverbial fence post. Actually it was during my thirteenth year that I started to develop in many ways. My breasts began to emerge along with the first signs of pubic hair at the top of my vaginal slit. I gained a little weight, that is, at least by the time I was fourteen my elbows and knees no longer looked larger than the limbs they were joined to. I also began my monthly period which scared the hell out of me as no one had thought to inform me about this little part of puberty. Well, as I'm sure you realize, I survived this momentous event, and after a few frantic moments of believing I would surely bleed to death, my mother managed to explain the facts to me. I learned very little about the facts of life from my mother. She never was good at talking about anything sexual, consequently, most all my sexual education I had to gain for myself.

Having to learn about your own sexuality by yourself isn't all bad. Although perhaps somewhat frustrating, having no particular guidance or encouragement, I was able to experiment in many ways not open to most pubescent teens. Also, by not having the normal puritanical fears instilled in my brain, if it felt good to me, I could do it without all of those false guilt getting in the way of my sexual fulfillment. Consequently, after some initial blind experimentation, I was able to achieve some of the most fantastic orgasms possible with solo sexual stimulus.

I spent most of my fourteenth year satisfying myself with normal masturbation using only different positions to break the monotony. I dated a few boys that I went to school with and even had intercourse several times. But the boys were so damn awkward that I would have to masturbate when they were finished to get myself off. This practice, unfortunately, did little to support their fragile egos and I found it increasingly difficult to find dates.

By the time I was fifteen my puberty was mostly a memory. My breasts had developed to a somewhat small but very firm size with two perfect eraser type nipples surrounded by quarter sized aureole. I still had rather small boyish hips but with my long legs and slender frame I felt that I looked OK anyway. Besides, what had started as a little tuft of pubic hair, had since blossomed into a perfect triangle of carpet thick hair that protruded a good three inches out from my flat abdomen and completely covered my vagina. Anyone doubting my maturity would think otherwise if they ever saw me bottomless.

Finding pain to be a sexual aphrodisiac happened quite accidentally. With my father away on business for most of the time, and my mother normally engrossed in her own interests, I could lock the door to my room and do whatever pleased me without fear of being disturbed. I'm not exactly sure why, but one evening I had masturbated for nearly half an hour and could not reach a climax. I became frustrated with myself and actually a bit angry. As I continued rubbing my clitoris, and out of frustration, I pinched my nipple as hard as I could sending a great amount of pain through my breast. To my amazement I immediately began to climax.

My climax lasted much longer than usual and was considerably more intense. When it was over I actually lay back panting from the experience. After a few moments I started to play with my nipples again. Still feeling the effects of my previous orgasm, my nipples became hard and erect almost immediately. As I lay upon my bed working my nipples between my fingers, I found that if I alternately squeezed them to the point of pain, my vagina would tingle and I would feel another orgasm building from the nipple stimulation alone. I achieved orgasm three more times that night before falling asleep exhausted from this most pleasing ordeal.

As it happened, the next day was a school holiday. I awoke around sunrise mostly from habit but also from an incredible wet dream I was having. I cannot count the number of times I have climaxed from my first until last night but I can tell you that none were as fantastic as my last four. As I climbed out of bed, my arm brushed across my nipples causing me to jump. I figured I must have really gotten carried away during my orgasms judging by the tenderness of my nipples. Anyway, I made my way to the bathroom, took a long hot shower, slipped on my bathrobe and went downstairs for breakfast.

As usual, my mother was still asleep. She rarely got up before noon except for when my dad was home. Actually, it suited me fine as my mother and I had little in common anyway. I noticed that I was becoming a little excited as my robe brushed over my tender nipples as I went about fixing breakfast. I ate my breakfast quickly. I wanted to get back to my room and see if I could manage a repeat performance of last night. It's always fun to experiment with any new found turn on.

Once back in my room, I locked the door and removed my bathrobe. I then stood in front of my full length mirror and studied my maturing fifteen year old body. I turned sideways and back carefully inspecting every part of myself I could get into view. I had pretty much already decided I wasn't a raving beauty but all in all I was no dog either. I stood only about five foot four but my one hundred five pounds was well distributed and I did have long legs. I ran my hands slowly around by breasts and sucked in my already flat stomach as I rested my hands on my hips. All in all, I was satisfied with the way I looked.

While still looking at myself in the mirror, I started to run my fingers through my pubic hair. I liked the fact that it was so soft and thick as I rubbed back and forth touching my clit every now and then. I thought to myself as I rubbed, I may not have the biggest tits of the other girls my age at school, but having seen all of them naked in the locker room at one time or another, I definitely had the prettiest crotch. My hair grew in a perfect triangle. It didn't straggle above the hair line or down my thighs. It just started thick and grew the same all the way to my ass hole. To this day I could never understand why a woman would shave or trim their pubic region to look like a little girl considering that when we were little girls how we prayed for the hair to grow so we would look like women.

I had passed my sixteenth birthday before I had done much other than pinching my own nipples. This was partly due to having found a boy friend who was able to actually pay attention to my needs before completely filling his. We had a wonderful time together, and I believe we were in love. At least as much in love as any two people our age could be. I know without any doubt it broke my heart when his father changed jobs and he had to move away. I think that feeling of complete and utter despair, having lost someone I loved, gave me my first insight into how my mother must have felt over the years. However, after a couple of weeks of moping around and feeling depressed, the beautiful summer weather overtook my sadness and I returned to being normal. As long as you consider alone normal. You do, don't you? Don't bother to answer, I'm sure you do.

My father may have worked selling farm equipment, but the only things a farm and our house had in common were that it was two miles to our nearest neighbor and we had about ten acres of thick woods behind us. Don't misunderstand me, there were no packs of wild animals roving around or anything. It may have been rural but it wasn't the sticks. No hillbillies either. I'm sure if it had been my desire, and if I could have figured a way, I could have lured the entire town here one by one, then killed and buried them without a trace. I must put that thought out of my mind. In case I hadn't mentioned, I still live here.

During my sixteenth year while on summer vacation from high school is when I progressed to some pretty bizarre shit. At least it was in my view at the time. I acquired a great fascination for the local hardware store that summer. I still wonder today if the store clerk ever had a clue what a sixteen year old girl was doing with all those clips, little chains, lead plum bobs, and other assorted items she purchased from him.

I would try to be up just after sunrise in the morning on days when I was going to go on one of my escapades. I would gather whatever gadgets I intended to use that day and put them in a small duffel bag. I would usually put on only a sweat shirt and shorts as once I was out of sight in the woods, I would spend the rest of the day naked. Once I was just past the woods edge, I would remove whatever clothes I had on and leave them under some leaves by this old tree. I left my clothes there for a reason. Somehow it added to the level of excitement, being totally naked in the woods and not having any choice in the matter unless I could get back to my clothes. As I normally went a couple of miles deeper into the woods, you can see the problem if I accidentally ran into other people who may also be poking around the woods.

The following account is of one particular autumn day just before I was to start my junior year of high school. If there ever was a day when Murphy's Law ruled, this was it. Although if it could possibly fuck up, it would fuck up, but it was also the most wonderful, the most scary, and the most sexually satisfying day of that entire summer. I am going to do my best to describe the whole days experience in as much detail as possible.

It was around six thirty in the morning when I arrived at the tree where I deposited my clothing to be retrieved at the end of the day when I returned. I covered my small bundle with leaves the same as I had done every other time. The first thing I began to feel after donning my birthday suit, was cold. Summer nights in Indiana seldom drop below sixty degrees but a cold front must have passed through during the night. I don't know exactly what the temperature was, but it was cold enough to bring millions of tiny goose bumps to my bare skin and set my teeth to chattering constantly. Oh well, the sun was already above the horizon, it would start to warm up in an hour or so, I figured I could take it that long anyway.

I had planned this day to begin by putting two metal adjustable serrated clamps on each nipple. This I did before beginning my trek deeper into the woods. I tightened each clamp until the pain was close to my limit of endurance. I knew from experience the pain would subside after a while and I would need to keep tightening them at intervals to maintain the level of pain I desired. I then proceeded to walk on deeper into the woods listening carefully for the sounds of any others who might also be in the woods. I did not want to be surprised by some lost camping family and have to explain what I was doing completely nude with metal clamps hanging from my nipples. I mean, they may not understand.

I had walked for about an hour when I stopped by this big rock I had been to several times before. It wasn't until I stopped that I realized it wasn't warming up very much. While I had been walking, the pain in my nipples compounded by the bouncing of the heavy clamps, had kept my mind off the temperature. I re tightened my nipple clamps a little and quickly the level of pain shot back up to where I drew a sharp breath. Although I was shivering enough that if I tried to speak the words came out in a staccato that would have been hard to understand, between that and the pain racing through my tits, I could feel an orgasm building rapidly. This I did not want. I knew from experience that one huge climax was better than a bunch of little ones and I had vowed I was going to push myself to my limit of endurance and fully expected to have an orgasm that would melt me down into a smoldering mass, if that were possible.

I was beginning to wish I had brought my clothes along this time. Who would have figured on a cold snap in the first week of September anyway? And to top it all off, the sky had clouded over and I could barely see the sun. I thought about calling off my plans, but this would be the last weekday I would be out of school for a long time. My father was home on weekends and if I waited until my next weekday opportunity, it would sure as hell be colder than this. Having thought it all over, and since I had come this far anyway, and in spite of all my discomfort, I really was having a good time.

I was about another hours walk to the old pump house where I had planned to end the second leg of my ordeal. Deciding it was time to up the stakes, so to speak, I chose to add weights to my nipple clamps. I withdrew two sixteen ounce lead plum bobs from my duffel and attached two twelve inch pieces of shoe lace, one to each one pound weight. I then tied the free ends to my clamps.

With everything ready, I spent a few moments mentally preparing myself for the sharp increase in pain I knew two pounds of weight hanging from my tender nipples would undoubtedly cause. The first time I let go of the weights I had to grab them again after about thirty seconds as the pain was more than I could handle. I almost grabbed them on my second attempt, but absolutely forced myself to leave them hanging as I gathered up the duffel bag. Believe me, at this point I was in sheer agony. As I started walking, I found it impossible to prevent the weights from swinging and banging into each other as I walked along. It was sort of weird though. I was so cold I was covered with goose bumps but at the same time I could feel beads of sweat forming on my forehead.

I wasn't making very good progress. Every time the weights would hit each other it would send daggers of pain all throughout my chest. And each time I would have to stop for a few seconds while the pain eased up enough for me to be able to stand it the next time the weights banged each other. And that was about every fourth step. Another problem that I was having was I could feel the clamps slowly slipping from my nipples. The thought of having to tighten them more brought a feeling of fear to the pit of my stomach.

Fear or no fear, I knew what I had to do. This entire ordeal, between the pain, the cold, and my uncertainty if I could stand it all, had me so unbelievably horny I wasn't about to quit now. I gritted my chattering teeth and tightened each clamp until I actually cried out from the agony that engulfed me. The pain was so intense I nearly lost control of my bladder. I reached down to cover my pee hole when I felt my urine start to drip but the feeling that shot through my vagina from just the touch of my finger drove me to brink of orgasm. Tears were running down my cheeks as I started walking but the thought of the mega orgasm I knew I would have if only I could make it to the pump house kept me going.

The cloud cover started to burn off shortly after I started walking again and the sun, now fairly high in the sky, began to quickly take the chill from the air. By now it was probably about ten o'clock and for the first time in three and a half hours I had stopped shivering. The warm autumn sun felt good on my naked skin. I still wasn't making very good time although the pain in my nipples and breasts had become slightly more tolerable. Even though I had only gone about one fourth of the way to the pump house, I needed to stop and rest. The combination of the intense pain and the extra exertion required to walk while trying to control the motion of the swinging weights was taking its toll.

I carefully eased myself down next to an old log and then lay back letting the two lead weights fall to the ground on either side taking the strain off my throbbing tits. The air had really warmed up a lot. In fact, it was starting to actually get hot. Most of the pain had subsided and it felt really good laying in the warm sun. I considered removing the clamps from my nipples but from experience I knew after the circulation had returned, they would be far to sore for me to put them back on. So I just closed my eyes and ran my fingers through my bush teasing myself with thoughts of things to come.

I must have been more exhausted than I realized. The mid afternoon sun bathed my body with it's hot rays filtering down through the leaves as I awoke. A little groggy from my nap I felt panicked thinking I had slept away the whole day. After a couple of minutes I regained my bearings and by the position of the sun I knew it was only about two in the afternoon. I had napped longer than I had wanted to, but I figured I could still make the pump house and still get home by dark.

Having rested, my excitement again began to build. As I got myself to my feet, and the weights brought the fire like pain back to my breasts, I began to fantasize that I was prisoner being forced to make this trek through the woods. I imagined that when I had refused to give my imaginary captors the information they wanted, I had been stripped naked and marched through the woods with my nipples under torture. As I walked along becoming more absorbed in my fantasy, I imagined since I had come this far without breaking, that my captors must intend to increase my torture by now. My tits hurt like hell, but I was getting so excited by my little fantasy, I started to think of ways to make my pain worse.

I had two more sixteen ounce weights in my duffel along with some more clips and shoe lace. I didn't think by the looks of my nipples that they could stand any more weights attached without causing some permanent damage, so, I began to consider some other possibilities. With my limited inventory of devices, I imagined my captors had decided to torture my pussy for the rest of the way. I stopped and dug the weights and laces out of my bag and attached the clamps to my pussy lips just below my clitoris as I squatted on the forest floor. I tightened the clamps until my eyes started to water from the pain, then, thinking my imaginary captors wouldn't be so kind, I gave each one another half turn more.

If I had so much as touched my clit I would have orgasmed uncontrollably. My bladder was also full and thought about relieving myself while I was squatted down but going back to my fantasy, my captors wouldn't allow me to piss, they're trying to make me talk, they want me to suffer as much as possible knowing if they don't get me to talk before we reach the pump house, they will have failed. Slowly I stood up. Totally engrossed in my fantasy, I told myself I wouldn't satisfy my captors by crying out, but when my labia lifted two pounds of lead from the ground, I could not keep the scream that followed from echoing through the woods fantasy or not. Every exhale of breath brought at least a loud moan from my lips as forced myself on through the woods with four pounds of lead weights swinging to and fro supported only by some of the most tender and sensitive parts of my body. The morning cold had turned into a typical ninety degree autumn Indiana day.

My body glistened in the afternoon sun from the sweat coming from every pore. My mind moved from fantasy to reality and back as I endured the mind numbing pain. Just as I thought I couldn't possibly stand it any longer, the old pump house came into view. I mustered every ounce of determination I had. I screamed with every heaving breath as I went the final steps. Ha ha, I made it.

I sunk to my knees next to the pump house, breathing heavily as the perspiration dripped from every part of me. Supporting myself against the wall with my left hand, I eased my other down through my sweat matted pubic hair and flicked my clitoris only once when the first wave of orgasm exploded through me. I buried my middle finger deep into my vagina while rubbing my swollen clit with my thumb bringing on a second and more powerful orgasm that nearly caused me to pass out. No longer able to control my bladder, the warm piss sprayed onto my hand as I continued jerking myself off. I can't begin to tell you how many times I climaxed, but when it was finally over, my body was nothing but a sweat soaked, shuddering mass of exhausted flesh curled up on the forest floor. It was at least half an hour before I regained enough strength to remove my clamps and weights.

I went inside and pumped some cool water from the old well. Placing myself under the pump spout I let the cool water run all over me. The cool water felt so good. My legs were still shaking from the post orgasmic state I was in. I just stood there, massaging my sore nipples and pussy with the cool water until I realized how much time had passed. I took one last drink of water and went back outside. The sun was now low in the western sky. Feeling a bit of panic knowing I had spent way to much time here I gathered my little devices into my duffel. I checked around to make sure nothing was forgotten, and started back the way I came.

The sun was setting rapidly and I cursed myself for wasting so much of the day asleep. I was also upset that I hadn't been more prepared, I mean, I didn't even bring a flashlight, and at this time of year when the sum went down it got very dark very quickly. It also got very cold. I wasn't unfamiliar with the woods as I had made this trip before. It's just that I had never done it at night. Maybe if I was lucky there would be a full moon.

It didn't seem I had traveled very far before the nights darkness had engulfed the forest. Although there was still a faint glow to the sky, it was almost completely dark where I was and becoming hard to see much of anything. It was also becoming quite cold and I started to shiver as I poked my way along trying not to stumble over objects in my path. As I moved along trying to put my mind on something other than the cold seeping into my nude body, another foreboding thought occurred to me. I was pretty certain I could find my way home or at least in the general area, but what if I couldn't find the tree where I had left my clothes? I was sure that my father would already be home before me and, being Friday night, he would have four or five of his buddies with him to play cards. I knew they always played out on the back porch so there was no way I could sneak into the house unnoticed.

My mind jumped back to reality as a sharp twig waiting unseen in the darkness snapped across my bruised nipples bringing a quick yelp to my lips. Damn, I said to myself as I stopped and cupped my hands over my stinging tits in a vain attempt to comfort them. I couldn't remember my nipples ever being this tender before. But, I thought, I couldn't remember ever experiencing the volcanic like orgasms I had happily enjoyed today. I guess the more the play, the more the pay.

The moon came up early but was not anywhere near the full moon I had hoped for. However the faint slivers of light that did filter down provided enough illumination to keep me from running into trees head on. The temperature had really took a dive after sunset and I was really starting to feel it. To make things worse, an intermittent breeze had come up and when it blew over my naked skin it took my breath away. At least my sense of direction was good this far as I caught sight of the big rock that marked the half way point.

I crouched down on the leeward side of the rock and blew into my hands trying desperately to fight off the cold. The wind was more steady now from the north east and it stung my nude body something awful. I'm not sure just how long I stayed at the rock but I finally forced myself to get started on the last leg home. I gave myself credit for at least being smart enough to have worn my sneakers considering I had entertained the thought of going barefoot this morning. My hands got so cold I had to stick them down into my bush and try to warm them about every five minutes or so as I tramped along through the dry leaves making weird crunching sounds with each footstep. I don't think there was ever a time, before or since, that I have been so completely cold as I was that night. I was really beginning to wonder if all this would end with my frozen lifeless body being discovered in the morning laying naked on the forest floor.

My thoughts of impending doom vanished as I stopped dead in my tracks. Looking around, I suddenly realized I was no longer in the woods. I was standing in an open field with the edge of the woods about one hundred yards behind me. Although I was totally alone, I had this weird feeling of self consciousness as I sneaked back to the cover of the woods. I tried to squat down and get my bearings but I was shivering so badly I lost balance and fell on my side. I again cursed myself for getting in to this predicament as I got back up brushing leaves and twigs away that had stuck to me when I fell over. I knew I would have to venture out into the open field far enough to know exactly where I had exited the woods if I had any hope of finding my clothes. Even though I realized the possibility of anyone being within a mile of me was slim to none, I gingerly crept through the open field thinking how the tongues would wag when telling about the local teenage girl found stark naked hiding in a field.

As I crept to the top of a small knoll I almost shouted with joy seeing my house only a few hundred yards in front of me. Even though I could see my father and his buddies right where I knew they would be playing cards, it took every bit of will I had to keep from bolting buck naked past them and into that nice warm house. Now that I knew where I was, and cold to the point of actual pain, I ran back towards the point in the edge of the woods where I left my clothes that morning. Fortunately my memory was accurate and I located my sweat shirt and shorts easily. Putting them on was a bit more difficult. All that running through the dew covered grass had gotten me wet and with the cold breeze my body shivered and jerked as I fought to get my limbs into the right holes. After a few tries, I succeeded with my task and took off on a dead run for home. As I reached the back door, I concentrated on trying to stop shivering and act normal as I stepped onto the porch. What happened next really pissed me off. My dad and all his friends greeted me without ever looking up. I may as well have been naked! Later I actually considered stripping and going out to see if they would notice. I thought not.

I believe I will finish this tale at a later date. I still have several more experiences I would like to write about. Although this portion of my diary you have just read contains some really wonderful memories, I remember at least a couple more that made these pale in comparison. To be honest, writing what I have so far, has gotten me so horny I really must take a break. I will, however, continue my story at my first opportunity.