It takes two to tango

It takes two to tango

It was raining and dark, late at night. My face pale, wet hair sticking to it, seemingly black when walking in the shadows, burned-earth brown when streetlights reflected their light on in. I pulled my coat tight around me, keeping it closed were the top button was missing. Why hadn’t I fixed it yet? Laziness? That’s the price… I could have been keeping both my hands warm and dry instead of having to hold that coat…

I stood at a crossing, train tracks above me on the elevation, a road on my right tunneling dark underneath. I waited for the lights to turn green before crossing even though I couldn’t see any cars coming. It was one of those things I just couldn’t do: crossing a street while red. I guess I had seen too many young people at my job in physical rehab, young people maimed for life as a result of having tried to save those few seconds not waiting for green lights to cross. Oh I know… It’s ridiculous, there are no guarantees in life, accidents can always happen, but still… I can’t cross when it’s red.

I looked around, it was late, raining, cold. Only a fool would be out on foot now. So now, I thought, I’m the fool… Even cars seemed to have abandoned the streets, looking for dry and warm garages. Next to me, on top of the elevation, a late empty train casted its light while passing by on its way to Central. The rattling noise made me follow it with my eyes. While it left me behind, I saw its light passing over two people standing further across, by a taxi stand. No taxi’s to be seen either in the empty streets, the men standing under a canopy probably trying to keep at least a bit dry while waiting.

The lights turned green and I crossed. How I wanted to be home already, being able to dry my hear and get out of this cold wet coat. Even my shoes were getting  beyond salvation, now I realy would regret being such a fool! I quickened my step, my heels the only sound now that the train was gone. I looked up towards were those people were waiting or their taxi. Two men, I could see now. One facing me, smoking a cigarette, the other one standing closer to me, but with his back turned. He seemed to be of average height, with dark hair and a mere hint of an athletic build. Hard to say in the dark and with his back turned towards me…  I felt instantly disgusted with the smoker. How I hated cigarettes, hated the smell, the men who smoked smelled, their breath, their clothes… I simply hated it. I turned my head back towards the wet sidewalk in front of me, avoiding puddles and dirt, still hoping I would be able to save my shoes somehow. And I came to realize, I should be happy that nobody of my friends or close family smoked… 

As I almost passed the men, I couldn’t but take a deep breath in an effort not needing to breath when I was actually going to pass them. Every trick to help avoid smelling that disgusting smell, I thought. I looked up and saw that I was caught: Mr. Smoker had is eyes on me, his cigarette stopped for a second half way to his lips. He looked away and the connection as broken. I felt like he knew exactly what I had been thinking, maybe having understood from the expression on my face, or perhaps having seen me catch my breath a second earlier. I felt like being caught in judging him without giving him the benefit of the doubt. I was instantly embarrassed, that was not the way I was raised by my parents. I really should stop judging people like that, I thought!

I passed both men and felt the eyes of the other person on me. I couldn’t stop myself glancing to my side, and saw his face.  I gasped for breath! Caught by his piercing eyes, icing my blood and stopping my lungs from functioning as they should, I tried to put one foot in front of the other. Oh fuck, I knew those eyes… How I knew them… My blood started rushing back trough my body, my heart racing, my mind in chaos. Those dark brown eyes, almost black in the night… I mean, I didn’t know the man, I had certainly never seen him before, but those eyes… Those piercing, knowing eyes… I would recognize eyes like that anywhere. He was a dancer, a player, he knew the game, and he knew the game was on…

Gone was the resolve to go home quickly and get dry. I continued to take a few slow hesitant steps, my feet not functioning properly anymore and then stopped altogether, standing still. I turned my head towards him and saw both men looking at me. The rain continued to come down on me, my hair sticking to my forehead and the side of my face. Nothing was said. The smoker turned his back again to me, oblivious to the secret connection between his companion and I. But the other one kept his eyes on me, not moving an inch, just sensing and waiting, a hunter observing his prey...  Patient, knowing that the hunt had in fact been over the minute he had seen me for what I was.  All he had to do was to be patient, and I would come to him.

He too had recognized me for what I was, I thought, he too knows…  I shivered under my coat, not from cold or rain, but for knowing what sure was to come...  I tried to stay sane, what was I doing standing there? I should go home… run home, not stop for any red lights and definitively not look back! What was I doing, just standing there?

As a taxi moved next to the men, Mr. Smoker opened the door and got in. Instead of going around to the other side, the second man starting quickly walking towards me! I snapped out of it, he was coming after me! I had to go! Now! I turned in order to run, but hesitated, my feet not willing to do as instructed… Should I really run?

I heard fast footsteps in the rain behind me and suddenly came realization, as clear as daylight, that I should have ran, and that now it was too late… We were going to that known place, call it a dance… In fact, it had already started the moment his eyes locked to mine… And no doubt, there was no doubt in my head at all, that he… That that man knew exactly what was going on…  He was ready to tango too...

He stopped and stood behind me, waiting… I bowed my head to a spot in front of my shoes, water dripping down my neck and cheeks. One, two, three heartbeats and a deep breath… I felt a hand softly being placed on my right shoulder, resting there with the natural weight of a relaxed man’s arm. I could feel his breath brushing past my ear while his left hand stayed resting on my shoulder. My heart was speeding, I tried to control my breathing by taking long deep intakes of cool air. But calm was not going to come any time soon, as my heart continued to pump the adrenaline trough my veins.

And all I did, was standing there with his hand on my shoulder, thinking of what step to take next…. Was he going to whisper something in my ear? My goodness why was this making me feel so… I was embarrassed, but not surprised to feel the moisture between my legs.

Oh snap out of it! Concentrate, anticipate, this is no time and place! Think of a way to get out … It’s a stranger, you don’t know him! What on earth do you think you’re doing just standing here like the fool that you are!

That was my head talking, but my body decided to wait, being sure he could feel my muscles tense with every breath…  He knew that I realized I was lost, but could not be taken by brutal force…  If it was me he really wanted, he would be patient.  I could only be won if he hunted me until he captured and controlled my desire for him. In that way, he would be turning me into his willing prey. He too knew that with a bit of patience, he would win his game…. Because I was lost already. He could turn me around right now, take me in his arms, kiss me, and I would melt. But we both knew that that would be nothing, there would be nothing in it of what he desired from me and what I knew I could give to him… His natural need for power and control could only be satisfied if I desired and longed to submit.

Suddenly his hand jerked my shoulder towards him, turning me around, at the same time grabbing my other shoulder with his right arm. I lost grip on the collar of my coat and came to a standstill facing him, both arms to my side, standing too close for two strangers in the street. I grasped for air, my mouth open, breathing hard. I couldn’t meet his eyes and looked down to a place where his heart somewhere must be. My breathing came haggard… Those eyes, if I would look into them now , I would be lost… I knew he was thinking the same as me, testing me, waiting to see if I could or would be able to be of service to him… I was not prepared to give myself up yet, I was too eager, I needed to dance.  If I would look up now, he would drop me like a stone and leave me right then and there, in the cold rain... Rejected, unworthy and cast aside.  Not being worthy or able to give him anything worth having.

So I danced. Instead of facing him, I made a quick movement with my hands, lifting them to his chest as if to push him away, instead using the back of my hands to quickly wipe his arms away from my shoulders. He lifted his arms away from me as in showing me I was free to go if I wanted. I took a step to the right and lifted my head, defying him, and stood, looking to the empty street behind him. Oh no, Mr, I wasn’t going anywhere just yet!

He took my arm just above the wrist in a strong grip, but I turned away, looking down again, ready to pull free if I would feel his power lack. He knew what I so secretly desired and pulled me back to him, turning me, grabbing my waist and pushing me against him. Our hips were touching, his left leg pushing hard between my legs. He let go of my wrist and used his hand to harshly push my chin up, obligating me to look up to him. I closed my eyes, refusing to come to him, refusing to be captured and lost in the night. I quickly turned my head to one side, his lips landing just beside my ear. I could feel the raindrops mixing with his scent, I liked my lips, secretly wishing I could already catch his taste.

Oh fuck, I needed this, every bit of my body screaming with anticipation! ‘Concentrate’, I told myself, ‘focus!  You’re not there yet’.  Being held by him around my waist only, I twisted out of it, bending my knees in an attempt to escape his hands. I felt his hand push on my shoulder and my knees refused to hold strong and buckled instead. I ended up down, kneeling in front of him… Just as he had wanted. Tears started falling from my cheeks, but I don’t think he could make out the difference in the dark and the rain. My skirt and stockings drenched with rain and mud, I sat there, my hands touching his legs, wanting to plead to him to be patient with me, to take me in and let our desired be a match. But all I could was look up, my teary eyes begging him not to abandon me and leave me here in the streets.  He turned his back to me and crossed his arms. ‘Noooooo’, my mind was screaming, ‘noooo, don’t leave me here pleading, please, please, at least give me a chance to prove myself’. I put one foot forward and grabbed him with both arms around his waist, putting my weight on to him, holding on for life. I knew it was wrong and perhaps he would become furious, but there was nothing more I could do to hold on. He pushed me away, turned around and grabbed both my wrists. My arms twisted, he took a single step backwards and I lost my balance. If not for his firm grip holding me, I would have fallen in the rain and muddy sidewalk. He let go of one wrist, so I could support myself by placing my free hand on the ground.

I lifted my head a little, looking up to him…. ‘Please’, I pleaded, ‘please’. My first words to speak…

I felt him stiffen. ‘What?’, he asked with a stern voice.

‘Oh god’, I thought, ‘Oh God…’  His voice making me tremble with fear… Or was it desire? Or both? I couldn’t think clear anymore. I just wanted…

Lying there in the mud, being held by only one wrist, I could do nothing but plead: ‘Please, Sir… Please, would you be so kind…

Would you be so kind to let me serve you?’…

I quickly lowered my head again, too scared to look up and perhaps see what I was too afraid of to even think about… My sticky hair made it impossible to see much. He looked down at me, I could feel his gaze on me, but I was too scared to lift my head again, or to move any other part of my body. This was it, if somehow I hadn’t been found good enough, he would let go of my wrist and I would fall. I would fall and keep falling, deeper and deeper. Until nothing but darkness would surround me. All there would be left, would be to cry for my own shortcomings and misery. 

The time stood still, I could hardly breath but prayed for my salvation. Please, I pleaded to the powers above, please…

‘Get up’, he told me, and helped me by holding my wrist tight.  I scrambled to my feet, trying to straighten my clothes, trembling and too scared to look up to his face. He lifted my chin, turning it towards his face, obligating me to look him into his eyes…  I felt the moist between my legs, but he called me back from drifting: ‘follow me’. He let go of me, turned around and briskly started to walk trough the rain. I quickly followed him, making sure to stay close behind. 

A few streets further, he turned into the gate of a small front yard. He quickly took the few steps up to the front porch, took a key out of his pocket and started to open the locked door. He turned half towards me and said: ‘You look like a mess, leave your clothes behind the front door, get upstairs to take a shower, come back down and we’ll talk…’

He went inside and let me standing there. And when I entered his home and closed the door behind me, I felt like the luckiest woman on earth, having just won the game and deemed worthy by him.