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The First Adventure
Author: Rob Wilson
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(Added on Mar 18, 2004)
(This month 8796 readers) (Total 15534 readers) |
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Kit is kidnapped, but the kidnapper seems very familiar. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 3 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (6/10) |
Average
Rating:  (6.5/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (8/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (5/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Powerone
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Mar 20, 2004 |
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Each chapter should have a beginning, a middle and an end. You got the beginning, the middle, but you left me hanging. Readers don't usually forgive that. They will not read your second chapter, thinking you will probably leave them hanging high and dry again. Don't forget this is erotica. Except for slapping her ass, the cool air on her ass as her skirt was lifted, it was completely devoid of all sex. (5/10)
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| Reviewer:
e.e. norcod
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Mar 20, 2004 |
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The author is obviously new to the site and probably to BDSM so many sins must be forgiven. Keep at it for you are likely to become better with time. In setting the story in a flower shop you had a good chance for novelty and color. I might have made more use of that in your story rather than hustling the protagonist out to the van. If I have read about one abduction using a van I have read about one hundred. However, subjecting her to BDSM in a florist shop has a gazillion novel possibilities. Also, you made a good beginning on attempting to get into the head of the victim but obviously had problems handling the internal dialogue (as bracemaiden noted below). You can use the device: "Yada, yada, yada", she said to herself. Or: Then she thought, "yada, yada, yada".
Keep up your attempts either as following chapters or in the form of another story.
A final piece of advice from a writer of female sumbissive c.p., a couple of swats to the rear do not justify a "spanking" code designation. (6/10)
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- Replied by:
rob.wilson
(Edit) (Mar 20, 2004)
- Thanks for the review and advice. Your right, this was my first attempt at erotic fiction.
Generally I write non-fiction, so feedback like this is certainly welcome and can be applied to any type of fiction.
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| Reviewer:
bracemaiden
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Mar 19, 2004 |
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A few oops'ses (such as talking after gagging yourself), take away from this decent tale. The ending was a bit of a let-down. (8/10)
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- Replied by:
rob.wilson
(Edit) (Mar 19, 2004)
- Thank you for the review. Actually I was trying to generate an internal dialog. In my orginal story I was able to do this by using Italics.
I guess in the future I'll have to be a little more aware of things like that.
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