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The Foundation
Author: FP37
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(Added on Dec 1, 2010)
(This month 145054 readers) (Total 165813 readers) |
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Three porn stars are caught performing in public in a small Texas town. They are arrested by the female sheriff, Ortiz, and walked through the town naked. They are abused by the sheriff and her male officers in the police station. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 3 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (6/10) |
Average
Rating:  (6.5/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (7/10) |
| Lowest
Rating: (6/10) |
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| Reviewer:
FP37
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 13, 2010 |
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I hope that now all the chapters have been uploaded you will be able to follow the entire story so far. I have yet to decide whether I will continue The Foundation or seek a new scenario to play out my sordid fantasies. (6/10)
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| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 3, 2010 |
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I smell a set up... and I think its the readers.
*** Okay first of all, like Jimmy mentioned, this "first taste" is so short that its tough to even get a proper feel for what the story is about. Had this been a printed book, we'd have gotten a single page. This damages a lot of things, including plot, since there isn't actually enough words here to HAVE a plot. That said, I noticed that the author, FP37 (which sounds like some sort of high tech fighter airplane) told Jimmy that he had tried submitting more, but had trouble. Hmmm... okay. I will spare F(ighter)P(lane)37 my usual rant about serial stories and give him credit for at least writing the whole thing... and then I'll blame the BDSM Library, which deserves lots of blame.
*** The story (so far) does an awful lot in a very short space. It has a four sentence fuck scene, in a public park no less, establishes at LEAST seven characters and alludes to a number of unnamed others (I'll call one Deputy Stained Thumb from here on in) and creates at least two different plot devices: 1. The sexual abuse of the three porn starlets in the hands of the local Sheriff and her merry men, and why the hell wasn't the "director" and his staff who were filming "arrested" as well. I'm a former reserve police officer and EVERYONE would have been going to the county lock up for THAT little tryst. That said, that's an awful lot of things going on smashed into a single page worth of writing. My advice? TAKE YOUR TIME! This "part one" should be about four times as long to handle this much stuff. Don't introduce characters who aren't important to the story. And in such an action driven sequence, FOCUS on the action. I want to HEAR the squelching of Deputy Stained Thumb pushing his hand into which ever porn starlet he was thumbing. (It should disturb everyone that Deputy Stained Thumb is the most memorable character to me.)
*** Grammatically, the writing is decent, but not very complex. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but combined with the rushed pace of the plot points, it keeps the ingredients from combining properly.
*** As is usual, the BDSM Library is having trouble with MS Office Word 2003 formats for quotation marks. This nailed the last story I posted and the BDSM Library moderators need to be strung up and shot... or if they're women, tied to a wall and repeatedly whipped in delicate areas. So send in your stories in text format.
*** I have to admit, I loved the porn starlet's stage names. Wanda Mounds? LOL. Clever.
*** In summary I think we've got a possible good start to a decent story, but it is hampered by too much happening in too short a space, followed by ... the rest of the story being missing.
*** Yours Faithfully, Michael Alexander (www.michaelalexanderstories.com) (6/10)
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- Replied by:
FP37
(Edit) (Dec 3, 2010)
- I have to add that I have read a few of your stories and they are very good.
- Replied by:
FP37
(Edit) (Dec 3, 2010)
- Firstly, the phrase “I smell a set up’ requires elucidation.
I believe that the majority of the readers of stories on BDSM Library are looking for fiction that will provide them with sexually stimulating scenarios, and frankly very little else. That is why they visit the site and if they are looking for something more, then they’ve come to the wrong place. I have read quite a few reviews of stories on this site, and frankly some readers take all of this more seriously than is probably good for them.
I keep the chapters focused upon incidents of sexual humiliation and abuse. I want the reader to spend as much time as possible enjoying the female prisoners enduring hours of degrading sexual torment. If I am being accused of only writing about delicious girls being stripped naked and subjected to degrading sexual abuse by sadistic female guards, then I plead guilty.
The bad news about the Deputy with his stained digit is that only women matter in my story, except for a male porn star who has also been imprisoned for a crime he … did commit. My work is essentially femdom. Miss Ortiz will be the star of the show, but there will be a gallery of nasty bitches, eager to abuse and humiliate the young women who fall into their hands.
Frankly, The Foundation is not literature. It is a sexual diversion. I can mix it with the best when it comes to aphorisms and euphemisms, but I have more important uses of my time. I write my stories as a hobby in the evening to entertain myself when I come home from a busy day at the office. I even write and edit my work as recreation during my lunch hour. So, my chapters are brief because I want to get my girls chained up, abused and fucked in the arse as soon as possible. Then I can have my dinner.
The Foundation will be a simple tale of simple Texas folk without too many clothes, involving a great deal of bondage sex, a considerable amount of anal violation and more caning than you can shake a … cane at. There will be more chapters, but you’ll get them when you get them.
- Replied by:
Michael247
(Edit) (Dec 4, 2010)
- FP37 - First of all, my opening phrase has two meanings. The first was my reference to the plot line of what I can't help believing was a setup for the girls to get them arrested. The second, was setting up the reader for... your story!
*** When I write reviews I try very hard to provide constructive criticism, something that was noticeably lacking in my early writing career. I got lots of "yeah, that was really good" without much in the way of helpful suggestion. As it was, it took me well over half a decade to even begin to get decent, and I'm still not sure (despite your words of appreciation) that my work can be considered "good" either. As someone who writes erotica (and not deeper stories with sex in them) I completely understand the mindset you described when writing your stories. My stories are generally chapter specific fuck fests which only lately have started to contain a deeper plot line. Ah... how we all grow, right?
*** As far as "The Foundation" goes, I think the primary problem was the fact that the BDSM Library didn't or couldn't put all of it up in one shebang. All of my other critiques still stand. As a reader, I felt that the opening sequence was rushed and there were too many plot devices and characters introduced. My mind is small. Forgive me.
*** As an author, I HAVE been on the receiving end of some pretty harsh criticism and my general attitude toward it is "It's my fucking story and if you don't like it don't read it." And while I didn't actually tell the individual that (I think I said, "thank you for your input") there are times that you have to take a look at your critics and decide if they are being helpful to your process, or just assholes. Take your pick. Trust me. I won't be offended.
*** A number of my stories have well over TENS of THOUSANDS reads, and yet I have only a handful of reviews, and most don't provide anything other than a congenial pat on the back. And while I appreciate it, it's not helpful to my growth as a writer. My regular erotica editor died last Christmas and so feedback for me is even more important. So I apologize if you felt I was harsh or brutal. I wasn't trying to be.
*** One last thing. You state that "The Foundation" isn't literature. By any definition of the word I know, "The Foundation" still qualifies. And with that said, whether you like it or not, it will be judged by your readers by the sames standards that Hemingway, Dickens, Dean Koontz, erotica writer Powerone, or even poor Michael Alexander are examined.
*** So take your work more seriously! You have talent. You've got drive. You've got the creativity needed. When I first started a writing erotica a decade and a half ago, it was for myself. Today, I have my own website with a membership section and people PAY to read my stuff. It makes a difference.
*** I generally don't read serial stories, since usually the additional parts come out so much later than the first that I forget what happened and don't want to bother re-reading the first part to catch myself back up. However, drop me an email when the rest (or even better: all) of your story is back up and I'd be happy to take another look at it.
*** Yours Faithfully, Michael Alexander (www.michaelalexanderstories.com)
- Replied by:
JimmyJump
(Edit) (Dec 4, 2010)
- Just to make things clear on my part: I do take things around here serious. Very. But not the content. Only the writing...
In that regard Michael Alexander is right: it doesn't matter what the name under the story is. Writing is writing, most of the time, so, I like it when writers hold their craft in high respect.
I doesn't mean that, should you step inside a racing car that you immediately should challenge Michael Schumacher (or Sebastian Vettel, nowadays), but, the moment you step into that racecar, you have to race according the rules.
For now, just try to keep the car on the track and for the rest write whatever you want...
JJ
- Replied by:
FP37
(Edit) (Dec 4, 2010)
- The point about the ‘set up’ is fairly accurate. I am currently attempting to send all of the chapters to the BDSM Library, so it should be ready in the middle of this month.
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| Reviewer:
JimmyJump
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 2, 2010 |
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Too short to go any higher than a seven rating, for the time being.
A bit of a forced entry, one might say, with the spelling out of the names right at the start, but what ensues is 'good' enough --writing and story-wise-- to be on the lookout for further chapters.
If what comes next is as along the same lines as this introduction, I'm sure the rating --among other things-- will go up.
JJ (7/10)
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- Replied by:
FP37
(Edit) (Dec 2, 2010)
- This is only the first chapter. I tried to submit all of them in one go, but there was a problem. I am going to submit some more soon.
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