Katherine:
Today has brought so much, so many revelations my way. And now, as the evening
draws near I feel the breeze shift yet again.
He's been quiet, so quiet since He placed the scarf about my neck this
morning...almost as though some massive obstruction were about to wreck the
fabric of our lives together. Could that be it? Has He finally taken a closer
look and found that His glorious Bird of Paradise is in reality nothing but a
common weed? Has He looked closely and found me wanting, my presence a burden
not worth the effort?
I hear Him pacing in the rooms below, silverware clanging as He prepares
something "special" for dinner. I can't blame Him there, I think. I'm not much
in the kitchen. Without Him, I'm not much anywhere. Is this to be my last day
in His world...in His life? Is it?
The smell of steaks grilling on the barbecue fills the house, and in short order
I hear Him call my name for dinner. I've dressed to please Him tonight, donned
the pale lavender silk He brought me from His business trip, dabbed His favorite
scent in all the vital spots, left my hair long and flowing down my back. If
this is to be my last night in this world I've come to love so much, I'm going
to make it memorable.
I arrive downstairs with a spring in my step that hides my inner pangs. I
pause. The Captain has outdone himself! The dining room has been transformed
into a place where dreams come true, where fantasies grow and thrive. Candles
glow from every corner...long ones, short ones, willowy tapers and delicately
scented carvings...all welcoming me into this world of flickering light and
shadow.
I'm confused. If this is a farewell scene we're playing out here, it's a poor
one. What woman in her right mind would ever want to leave such a place...such
a man.
With deference He holds my chair, and slowly slides it in behind me. I don't
believe I've ever had anyone hold a chair for me before. I feel
special...cherished. A green salad sits before me...hand-torn,
crouton-filled...tiny cherry tomatoes bobbing like Japanese fishing floats. A
goblet of dry, red wine sits glowing in the flickering light, and I gulp
nervously. What happens next?
A few moments later He returns from the patio with two small fillet mignons
tucked intimately together on a silver salver, and lightly deposits one on my
plate.
"Dinner is served," he offers jokingly. "Would you like some more wine?"
Quietly He tops off my glass before I've had a chance to reply, then turning, He
refills his own.
He pauses by my chair...opens his mouth as if to say something, then thinks
better of it and takes a seat beside me. This isn't like Him...not at all.
Where is my confident, assured Captain? What have I done that's so terrible He
can't speak to me about it?
His hand reaches out and caresses my thigh, and I begin to relax, if only for a
moment. This is more like Him, I think, His hand working its slow magic against
my willing flesh. And then He stops. He's made up His mind. It's time.
My glass pauses in midair, my heartbeat pounds in my ears. My chest begins to
ache and I realize I've been holding my breath. It's time...it's time. I exist
on the precipice of His whim...His pleasure. Will I survive?
Tentatively, He clears His throat, His eyes a churning sea of warring emotions.
And then He speaks.
"Katherine," He begins, His thumb tracing a slow circle against the back of my
hand. "Do you know how much it's meant to me...having you here, I mean? Do
you?"
I pause now, my words uncertain. Is He letting me down gently?
"Yes," I murmur, my eyes downcast. I can't look at Him...I can't. If I do I'll
burst into tears, shatter into a thousand tiny fragments at His feet. And so I
wait for Him to continue.
He takes a sip of wine, as if He needs fortification for what He's about to say,
then grips my hand again, studying the palm as though it holds the future before
Him.
"Katherine," He begins again. "There was someone else here before you...you
know that?"
I nod. I know...I used to see her in His eyes when I first arrived. Has she
come back? Will she share His bed once again...His life?
He peers once more into my palm, as if the exchange He seeks can be found within
the lines. "When it was over I didn't think I could feel that way about anyone
again, I didn't think I wanted to." He shifts uncomfortably. He's a strong
man, a dominant one...not used to public introspection, and it's evident that
this is hard on Him.
"Katherine, what I'm trying to say is that you've come to mean more to me than I
could have ever imagined...more than I'd ever really intended...and I want it to
continue."
I feel my throat constrict, the room blurs. Suddenly the hand holding mine is
the most precious thing in the world to me. He's asking me to stay. He wants
me. He cares.
"Do you know what a 'Dom' is...a 'submissive', Katherine?"
I nod once more. "Like us," I offer. "Our relationship is like that, isn't
it?"
He smiles now, pleased that I've understood. "Most people don't realize the
deep relationship that a Dom has with His sub... the caring, the intimacy, the
trust. But we have all of that, Katherine, and more...so much more."
He reaches into His pocket now and slides out a long, thin box...lightweight,
black velvet.
"It's a sub collar, Katherine. A special one... like you. It says all the
things I'm finding so hard to say right now. I'd like you to stay. I'd like
you to wear it. I'd like you to be mine."
I raise my eyes now and search His face for a sign that this is right...that He
truly feels what I do. My Captain is a man who finds gushy outpourings of
emotion awkward. I can understand that. That this conversation has been
difficult goes without saying. But it's in His eyes that I find what I
need...the words that He can't say. Suddenly I know that there is only one
answer that could possibly make any sense for either of us.
Slowly I open the box and find His collar, a symbolic restraint made of fine
sterling filigree...a tiny, flawless diamond nestled deep in its open heart. I
smile. Beautiful.
Taking it in my hand, I feel it touch me...warm me...speak to me in a language
that only my Captain and I can understand.
I kiss Him...softly...tenderly, offering all that I have...all that I am. Then,
placing the "collar" in His hand I turn away and lift my hair, baring my neck to
receive His gift....His promise.
Warm, salty tears run in tiny rivulets down my cheeks, washing away a lifetime
of loss and loneliness. I'm home at last...
...home at last
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