Our First Female President
Chapter 01 - The Confessional at St. Marks
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This is a work of fiction, any resemblance to persons living, dead or otherwise
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Copyright 2003
****
"Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It has been one week since my last
confession," whispered Candace Williams as soon as Father Elliot slid back the
partition separating the confessor from the penitent.
"Candace, What sins have you committed since your last confession?" asked
Father Elliot, the pastor of St. Marks. Father Elliot was a young Dominican
priest who had been at St. Marks for the past six years.
"I lost my temper twice with my daughter, Briana, and on two occasions I've
had impure thoughts. I've also been touching myself inappropriately." Candace
spoke so quickly that Father Elliot had trouble understanding her. Father
Elliot sensed extreme anxiety in the way that Candace hastily spoke her
confession.
Although young, Father Elliot was an experienced parish priest and over the
years he had learned to deal with a number of problems that he loosely
classified under the heading of 'female sexual anxieties'. Catholic priests were
given special training to counsel women with those problems. He hadn't heard
'touching myself' referred to as a sin in a while. Most of his parishioners
considered masturbation an acceptable practice regardless of the church's
position.
"Children often try our patience but we must teach by example. You must ask
the Virgin Mary to help you better control your anger and to teach you serenity.
Describe your impure thoughts, Candace?"
"It's difficult to speak about them even here; they were sexual in nature."
Sex was a difficult topic for Candace to think about let alone discuss with
another man even if he was a priest. Candace and her husband, Daniel, were
strict Roman Catholics. Candace accepted the church's teaching that sexual
intercourse was for the purpose of procreation not pleasure.
Candace had thought about what happened over and over again. Nothing like that
had ever occurred to her before. The first time was last week while Candace was
in the supermarket. Mike, the produce manager, greeted her.
"Hi. Mrs. Williams, if you and Dan like corn on the cob, I recommend those,
they're local and fresh off the farm." Mike gestured toward a produce table
piled high with ears of corn.
Mike always flirted harmlessly with the female customers, especially the
pretty ones. He had stood near her talking about his son's little league team
while Candace made her selections from the large mound of unshucked corn.
Suddenly, Candace felt Mike's hand reach over her shoulder and slip inside her
blouse and bra and feel her naked breast. For a brief moment, she relaxed as the
hand slipped into her bra and caressed her nipple. The feel of the rough
calloused hand on her breast excited her; especially when his fingers squeezed
and twisted her nipple. Then she realized what was happening and jerked away.
She jumped violently backwards and yelled, "Stop".
"Stop what, Mrs. Williams, are you okay?" asked Mike who was standing several
feet away rearranging heads of iceberg lettuce.
"Nothing, I was just talking to myself," said Candace feeling confused and
shaken. Mike hadn't touched her. He was ten feet away. She had imagined
everything.
"Well, they say that's all right as long as you don't talk back. I got to go
in the stockroom and bring out some more iceberg. Anything else I can help you
with, Mrs. Williams?" said Mike as he turned to go.
"Nothing, thanks for recommending the corn, it looks delicious." Candace was
deeply embarrassed about what she had just imagined. Mike seemed a good family
man and father. Involving him in her debauched fantasy made the sin even worse.
The other time was in the pharmacy when she was picking up Dan's allergy
prescription. She was standing in the checkout line behind a young girl with
bright green spiked hair and multiple studs in her ears, nose, and even one in
her tongue. Candace disapproved of teenagers who dressed "punk" or "Goth" or
whatever it was. Tattoos, piercing, those were things that would never happen to
her or Briana, her daughter. Good Roman Catholics treated their bodies as a
sacred God given vessel for the soul. The idea of modifying it was unacceptable
and immoral to Candace's way of thinking. There were half a dozen people in
front of them and the line hadn't moved in several minutes.
The girl turned back to Candace and said, "They should open another checkout,
I've got to get to school."
Candace had smiled and blandly replied, "No one has enough help these days."
Candace had started to turn away when the girl had put her hand on Candace's arm
and asked, "Do you like girls?"
"I don't know what you mean," replied Candace.
"This," said the girl as she pulled Candace into an embrace and pressed her
lips to Candace's. Candace opened her mouth and felt the metal stud in the
girl's tongue. The girl quickly moved one hand between Candace's legs and
touched her sex. Candace pressed herself against the girl's hand. Candace pulled
the girl closer and tightened the embrace. Candace mouth sucked on the girl's
tongue and she reached down and put her hands on the girl's buttocks and pulled
her even closer grinding their pelvises together.
"Lady, would you mind moving your hand," said the girl startling Candace out
of her reverie. Candace looked down to see that her hand was gripping the girl's
butt cheek. Candace immediately removed her hand. The girl was standing quietly
with an armful of merchandise. Candace had imagined the whole thing. The girl
had a puzzled smile on her face.
"I'm terribly sorry. I'm sorry I touched you. I must have been thinking about
something else," mumbled Candace feeling a deep sense of embarrassment and
shame.
"Whatever it was, it must have been hot," said the girl smiling as she turned
to place her purchases on the checkout counter.
When Candace was leaving the drugstore, she had seen the girl getting on the
back of a motorcycle. She was talking to a boy as she stowed her purchases in
the side bags.
"You wouldn't believe what just happened?" said the girl.
"What?"
'This housewife dyke in the checkout line started feeling my ass, right there
in public. She was moaning and breathing heavy like she was really getting off
on it."
"You're bullshitting me. You punch her out."
"No, I just let her have her fun. It was totally weird. It was kind of like
she was in a trance. Then she sort of woke up and turned red as a beet when she
realized she had grabbed my ass."
"Probably some fat old housewife who isn't getting enough. She probably
pictured herself munching that cute little rug of yours."
"No, young and real pretty, but a Martha Stewart fan."
"Go get her, maybe she's into three ways."
"Let's go, asshole. We've got to get to school. Besides, she's not your type."
The two incidents had frightened Candace. Fantasizing about sex act was the
sin of Lust. Lust was one of the seven deadly sins and therefore a mortal sin.
What was even worse was that she had been aroused. Candace distinctly remembered
a feeling of pleasure invading her body. That night in the shower, she found
herself unconsciously soaping her clitoris as she recalled what happened with
the girl. She had jerked her hand away when she realized what was doing.
In Candace mind, she had not only sinned in her imagination but she had taken
pleasure from the sin. The pleasure was only for a moment but it was undeniably
there. The feeling of pleasure was a worse sin than the act itself thought
Candace. She felt humiliated and ashamed of her behavior. Candace decided to go
to confession at St. Marks the next day.
"I must do penance for my sins and pray to the Virgin to keep impure thoughts
from my head and heart," decided Candace.
"Candace, Candace, reluctance to discuss sexual matters is understandable but
sex is a part of our everyday lives and we must be able to cope with it.
Remember, I am your priest confessor and God had empowered me to forgive your
sins no matter how terrible they might be," said Father Elliot bringing Candace
back to the present.
"I imagine that I am engaged in acts of sexual depravity with those around me.
The first time a man was touching my breast. The other time I was kissing a
young girl and we were touching each other. It was sickening and horrifying. In
my mind, I was a willing participant in vile acts that only the most sinful and
wicked would perform. I took pleasure from my participation. My body responded
in the same manner as if I were engaged in intercourse with my husband."
"And the pleasure was definitely of a sexual nature?"
"Yes, Father, I become sexually aroused, Afterwards, I felt terribly ashamed
of my conduct and my failure to exercise control over my senses. I feel as if
there was another person inside my body. I think that person is seeking control
over my soul. It wants to turn me away from the worship of Christ and the
Virgin."
"St. Augustine of Hippo wrote about the constant struggle to control our
bodily desires. He considered the flesh as Man's greatest weakness. I sense the
devil is tempting you, Candace. Perhaps, Satan has singled you out for
temptation, knowing what a strong believer you are and your firm commitment to
God's church. You must be resilient and vigilant in your faith. Satan is very
clever and he works diligently against those faithful to the holy church and its
teachings. By associating sexual depravity with pleasure, he dulls your defenses
against mortal sin. Satan tempts you to pass over that thin line that separates
our imagination from reality. He knows that if he can tempt you to sin in your
mind and heart then it becomes easier to follow him into the world of darkness
and perversity. Sometimes he selects a soul and works with great skill to bring
the person over to Satan's service."
"What should I do, Father?"
"Seek the comfort and support of the Holy Spirit in resisting these thoughts.
Pray to the Virgin who never succumbed to the temptations of the flesh. She will
help you Candace."
"Yes, Father."
"You penance is 5 Our Fathers and 10 Hail Mothers. Let us pray the Act of
Reconciliation together."
"O God, in your great Mercy and Love, grant that I may sincerely and
thoroughly repent from all my sins, and humbly and devoutly receive your
forgiveness through the Sacrament of Reconciliation, and grant this same
merciful grace to other poor sinners, especially those most in need of
repentance and forgiveness." Candace and Father Elliot repeated in unison.
Candace walked to the Chapel of the Assumption, genuflected, and sat down in
the front pew. It was her favorite place in the church and she always performed
her penance there. Candace had always found the solitude and beauty of the
chapel to be the perfect place to pray for forgiveness.
Candace loved the ornate white marble altar and the stature of the Virgin that
a wealthy parishioner had donated to St. Marks when the church was built in
1926. Recently, the statue had gone through a cleaning and restoration and
Candace felt it positively glowed with the goodness of the Blessed Virgin. The
chapel was secluded; well off to the right of the church nave. It was normally
empty.
"I'll double the penance. And I'll say a rosary every morning right after Dan
leaves for work and the bus picks up Briana," thought Candace as she leaned
forward to kneel down.
"Excuse me."
Candace had thought the pew was empty but she looked to see a tall,
well-dressed man standing next to her waiting to exit. He was wearing a
business suit but had long black hair. Somehow, the man looked familiar. St.
Marks counted over 2,000 members. She probably saw him at Mass on Sunday but
couldn't recall who he was.
"Sorry," said Candace as she stepped back out of the pew allowing him to pass.
As he passed Candace, he ever so slightly brushed against her.
"I've got to quite letting this distract me and pay more attention to my
surroundings. I was certain the chapel was empty then I sat right down in a pew
blocking that gentleman who was leaving," said Candace as she knelt down and
began saying the first Our Father of her penance. Candace closed her eyes to
concentrate on the prayer. Candace believed in the power of prayer and focused
her mind on the words and their meaning. Candace took out her rosary and held it
in her hands as she prayed. It was the rosary that her Aunt Silvia had given her
for her First Communion. It was a little larger than most rosaries and the cross
was made of the same type of wood that was used to crucify Christ. The Pope
himself had blessed it.
Candace worried that she hadn't made a good confession. She hadn't told Father
Elliot all her sins. She was too embarrassed to confess waking up in the middle
of the night, moaning and breathing heavily with one hand rubbing her clitoris
and two fingers of the other hand inside her vagina. Last night, she woke up
writhing and twisting as an orgasm swept her body. It was the first orgasm she
had experienced in several years. Her hands were covered with her wetness.
Candace quietly went to the bathroom to clean herself. When she turned the light
on and looked in the mirror, she saw she had unbuttoned her pajamas. One breast
was exposed and the nipple was elongated. I've been playing with my nipples and
my vagina. I have not done that since I was thirteen. That was before I realized
it was a sin thought Candace.
Thankfully Dan was a heavy sleeper. Candace's middle-of-the-night masturbation
had started over a month ago. At first it was only once a week. But lately it
had become every night. Eventually Dan will find out thought Candace.
But masturbation was just too personal to discuss with anybody especially a
priest. How do you tell a man of God that you're playing with yourself like a
teenager with no self-control wondered Candace? Candace had considered
discussing it with her husband, Daniel. They had talked about masturbation
before they were married and both agreed it was a sin. What if he woke up and
found her rubbing herself like a woman who had no morals. Dan was very devout.
He might leave her.
"I would deserve it if Dan left me and took Briana, I'm not a fit mother for
her, Please help me, Virgin," pleaded Candace as she looked up at the face of
the statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary.
Candace returned to her prayers and was repeating the last of the five Our
Fathers when she felt herself standing up. It was like she was being directed
and controlled by someone else. Candace didn't will it to happen but she didn't
resist it either. She walked quickly back to the Confessional. As she
approached, she could hear the murmured words of another penitent describing
their sins to Father Elliot. Candace opened the Confessional door and stepped
into the booth in front of Father Elliot. Candace dropped quietly to her knees
in front of the priest and began to unbutton his cassock. Candace recognized the
voice of Doris Sullivan describing how she had argued with her son about his
choice of video games.
"Sometimes I think those games were created by the devil himself. Tommy won't
touch his homework but he'll sit there playing those dreadful games for hours.
What can I do?" asked Doris.
Candace finished unbuttoning Father Elliot's cassock then unbuckled his
trousers. Father Elliot made no move acknowledging what Candace was doing as she
unzipped his pants, reached in and pulled his penis out. Candace leaned forward
and pressed the soft cock to the side of her face. It felt warm, even hot,
against her cheek. She inhaled the scent and thought it the most wonderful
aroma she had ever experienced. She pressed her nostrils to his cock and
breathed in deeply. Candace wondered how could anything smell that divine. There
was the faint smell of urine but an even stronger aroma of male flesh.
"Oh this is so wonderful, just being able to touch and smell Father Elliot's
cock. How could I have not known how wonderful this could be?" Candace asked
herself.
Candace had never been willing to allow Daniel to bring his penis anywhere
near her face. Candace had strongly rejected Daniel's hesitant suggestion that
they perform oral sex.
"Sodomy is a sin, a mortal one. God intended that a man and woman join their
sexual parts in one and only one fashion and for only one purpose, to create
another life to worship him,' was Candace's final word to Dan on the topic of
oral sex.
Candace considered the very idea of Dan's penis in her mouth both unnatural
and a mortal sin. But this is so different she thought as she rubbed her cheek
against Father Elliot's cock. The feeling was one of rapture.
"Oh my salvation, sublime, powerful, exquisite, pleasure beyond anything
imaginable," were the thoughts that flooded Candace's mind as she massaged her
cheek with Father Elliot's penis.
"I did not know it was possible to experience this much joy" thought Candace
as she took Father's Elliot's cock and licked the tip.
"Oh, and the taste, nothing on earth tastes this fine," thought Candace as
she slipped the cock head into her mouth and swirled her tongue around the tip.
Candace began to suck on Father Elliot's hardening cock as she found herself
mentally repeating a prayer to herself she had never heard before.
"Hail Lucifer, Ruler of Hell, Master of Eternal Darkness, accept the worship
of your servant Candace, she desires none other than to adore you, Satan. Help
your servant to overcome the forces that restrain her from your devotion. Cast
out their teachings and make her an instrument for accomplishing your will. "
Candace felt Father Elliot's cock growing hard in her mouth as she moved her
lips further down the shaft. Her tongue slithered along the ridge of skin on the
cock's underside. She felt and heard Father Elliot's moan as her tongue massaged
the sensitive ridge of flesh. Candace had never had a male penis in her mouth
but somehow she knew exactly what to do. There was no hesitation or lack of
will. No courtesan of any age or civilization had more skill in bringing
pleasure to the male sex than I thought Candace Williams. I love to provide oral
sex. I do it extraordinarily well and I take enormous pleasure from it. Although
she was far from having any reasons or justification, Candace felt superbly
confident and able to perform oral sex on a man's penis even though she had
never done it before.
Her mouth filled with warm saliva that drooled out of her glands onto Father
Elliot's cock. Father Elliot's cock pulsated and jerked as her tongue swirled
and wiped across the ridges and furrows of its surface. Candace forced her mouth
to engulf more of the hard penis until her nose was buried in his pubic hairs.
Each touch of a pubic hair inside her nostrils was pure ecstasy. She inhaled
through her nose to draw them deeper inside her nostrils. The pleasure was so
intense she worried she might faint and miss the blissful feeling of a man's
hard warm penis in her mouth.
Then some unknown and unseen force opened Candace's throat and Father Elliot's
cock slid into her esophagus. It was as if her throat had inhaled the penis
taking it several inches past her wisdom teeth. There was no sense of
asphyxiation or gagging. The muscles lining her gullet clung to the head of his
cock as it moved downward and then backward in short strokes.
"How could I have never experienced the sensation of a man's cock sliding in
and out of my throat? To think I denied myself the oral pleasure of Dan's cock
all these years. What a fool I've been. What a pathetic little idiot to forgo
this awesome experience. It feels so wonderful when the blunt beads expands the
walls of my esophagus," thought Candace.
Candace's whole being was focused on the lining of her mouth and throat. The
texture, aroma, and taste were beyond anything she had ever experienced. Her
mouth caressed each vein or irregularity on the surface of Father Elliot's cock.
Her tongue and lips slowly massaged the under lip of the mushroom head. The tip
of her tongue probed the slit hole where Father Elliot's piss flowed out. The
taste of several drops of urine was perfection itself. It was the most
faultless, unflawed thing she had ever put in her mouth. Pre-cum oozed into her
mouth. The salty flavor was all consuming as she rolled it across her taste
buds.
Candace felt Father Elliot's hand on the back of her head forcing his member
even deeper inside her throat. The idea that she was being forced to accept
Father Elliot's cock further into the tunneled cavity of her throat heightened
her sense of excitement.
"I wonder what it would be like if someone with a really huge thick cock
forced it down you're your throat causing your neck to bulge and expand to
accommodate its girth," wondered Candace.
Then Father Elliot's other hand forcefully gripped her head and the pressure
became stronger as he moved Candace's head back to where only the tip was
between her lips then forced it forward to where he face was buried in his
crotch and his penis was inches deep inside her esophagus.
Candace thought to herself, 'He's using my mouth as a sex organ. I love the
feeling of being used for a man's pleasure." Candace's pulled her skirt up and
pushed her hand inside her panties. She began massaging her clitoris with one
hand as she held Father Elliot's balls in the other.
Father Elliot grabbed her head harder and slammed her face forward forcing his
shaft to slide deeper into the tight openings of her throat. Father Elliot
hammered away stroke after stroke. Each thrust had a certain brutality as it
pushed its way into her esophagus. Candace touched her hand to her throat and
felt the bulge caused by the priest's cock. Candace sensed that Father Elliot
was approaching a climax as he increased the rate he was pushing into her
throat. Finally, the priest's entire body went completely rigid then Candace
felt her mouth fill with semen.
Candace responded to the spurts of semen with her own orgasm. She sucked the
warm fluid flowing from the tip of Father Elliot's cock and savored its taste.
Her own body jerked at she climaxed and then she let out a long low moan.
"If I live a thousand years, I will never taste anything this fantastic,"
thought Candace.
Candace's eyes opened with a start. She wasn't in the confessional booth. She
was still seated in the Chapel of the Assumption. Her skirt was bunched up
around her waist. Her panties were on the floor. Her bare bottom felt the hard
wooden seat of the pew. Her feet were resting on the back of the pew in front of
her and her legs were spread as wide as they could stretch. One hand was inside
her blouse twisting one of her nipples and the other was between her legs
rubbing her Rosary against her clitoris. Her pubic area was smeared with
wetness. The Rosary was soaked with her secretions. Candace realized she had
been pushing the long end of the cross inside her vagina while she twisted one
of the arms side against her clit. She was wetter than she had ever thought
possible. She had just climaxed. There was drool covering her chin.
"Oh my God, what is happening to me? I've defiled a holy object," sobbed
Candace as she looked around to see if anyone was watching. Thankfully, no one
was. She pushed her skirt down and buttoned her blouse. She reached down and
scooped up her panties and stuffed them in the side pocket of her handbag. She
grabbed some tissues from her purse and wiped her chin off. She wrapped the
soaked Rosary in the tissues and placed it in her purse. Candace looked up at
the statue of the Virgin. Candace took the sad expression on the statue's face
as a reproach for her sinful conduct. Candace's eyes filled with tears and she
fled from the church.
"Father, Father Elliot, are you all right?" asked Doris Sullivan.
"I'm terribly sorry. I'm feeling a little light headed," responded Father
Elliot. Somehow, he realized, he had just climaxed. He looked down. He wasn't
touching himself but he could tell his underwear was wet. He wasn't even
unzipped but he had unmistakably just ejaculated in his boxer shorts. What in
the name of God had caused that?
"There's a bug going around, you may have caught it."
"Yes, I must have."
As soon as Doris left the Confessional, Father Elliot hurried to the Men's
Restroom. He went into a stall and lowered his trousers. His boxer shorts were
smeared with semen and his pubic hair was wet, soaked in fact.
"It looks like somebody just gave me a very wet blowjob," thought Father
Elliott, "and the way I climaxed, I must have enjoyed it, except that no one
did. Hold it a minute, get a grip, priest."
He took some tissue from the roll and wiped himself dry. For some reason, he
brought the tissue to his nose and inhaled. Along with the strong odor of semen
there was the scent of a woman's floral perfume. He had smelled it before and
recently. He thought a moment before recalling that one of this afternoon's
Penitents had worn it. Yes that was Candace Williams. The scent had been
distinctive and he remembered it. It was a light floral perfume not the heavy
erotic perfume most women wore. But how had it gotten on his penis and what was
even more alarming what caused him to have an orgasm while listening to Doris
Sullivan's confession? Certainly, it wasn't Doris Sullivan. She was a matronly
type with a serious weight problem. Besides, Father Elliot had always managed to
keep his feelings about women under control.
Father Elliot thought about the Williams. Father Elliot knew Daniel and
Candace well. He was pastor of St. Marks when they had moved here. He had
counseled Candace when Briana was born and she had been so desperately ill.
There was a time that the doctors had thought Candace was not going to live. The
Williams were devout Catholics, especially Candace.
"How did it happen? What happened?" wondered Father Elliot. "Maybe I should
discuss this with the Monsignor. No, that would be a bad idea."
Lately, the priest hood was terrified of anything that smacked of sexuality
between clergy and laity. Father Elliot decided to keep his mouth shut as far as
the Monsignor was concerned.
Candace was something of an enigma to Father Elliot. She often volunteered at
the church and the nearby Catholic grammar school so Father Elliot on several
occasions found himself working beside her on various projects. Although Candace
was very shy and not the least assertive, Father Elliot knew she was highly
talented as an organizer and discussion group leader, at least when the groups
were small. She seemed to have a remarkable ability to persuade people to agree
on common goals.
Another parishioner, Bernice Creswell, knew Candace when she attended
Georgetown University. Father Elliot was surprised to learn from Bernice that
Candace had graduated Law School first in her class and had the highest score
ever on the Massachusetts Bar Exam, arguably one of the toughest in the nation.
"Her IQ is out of sight. Technically, she's a genius. She speaks several
foreign languages," said Bernice.
Father Elliot had confirmed her language capability when he found her speaking
Croatian with the daughter of a refugee family that St. Marks had sponsored.
"Candace, where did you learn to speak Croatian?" asked Father Elliott after
he saw her talking to the Mesic's daughter in the hall of the grammar school.
Candace had been a member of the committee helping the Mesic's resettle in
America.
"I thought Janica would be more comfortable if someone spoke her language. I
bought a textbook on the Internet and taught myself. I'm not very proficient."
Later, Father Elliot was chatting with Stefan Mesic when he came to pick up
Janica after school. Father Elliot spoke to Janica about her conversation with
Candace.
"Janica, I saw Mrs. Williams speaking Croatian with you. Are you helping her
learn your native language?"
"Mrs. Williams speaks Croat better that most Croatians. I'm amazed that she
knows our language, it's not considered easy to learn," said Stefan.
"She told me she was not proficient."
"Perhaps she was being modest. I would describe her Croatian as fluent,"
replied Stefan. Stefan Mesic was an educated man, a physicist. Father Elliot
had always heard some people had a natural capability to quickly learn foreign
languages. He had to assume that Candace was one of them.
There was also the question of how Candace looked. Father Elliot considered
Candace an extraordinarily beautiful woman but not the type that had ever made
him want to forget his vow of celibacy. Her clothes and manner were too
restrained. Some of the nuns who worked in the parish dressed worldlier than
Candace Williams. Her skirts were always ankle length. She wore loose fitting
slacks when she wasn't wearing a skirt. Father Elliot wasn't sure he had ever
seen Candace's knees. He surmised she had a good figure somewhere under those
clothes. She was only an inch or two shorter than he so he estimated Candace's
height at 5'10".
Father looked at his watch and realized he had been sitting on the commode for
almost fifteen minutes thinking about what had just happened. There must be a
logical explanation. Perhaps he transferred by touch the perfume smell from the
partition in the Confessional to his crotch.
"Maybe her confession of her own sexual fantasies triggered something in my
mind. I must have masturbated without realizing it. Engaging in sexual fantasies
about female parishioners is not only a sin, it's a bad idea," concluded Father
Elliot deciding to put the matter aside. He had to get ready for evening Mass.
"I'm a vile evil person whom God has rightly forsaken," cried Candace to
herself as she got in her car. "I don't deserve to be in the company of
believers. I should be cast out of the community of the faithful."
Candace drove swiftly out of the parking lot her eyes full of tears. It was
only at the last moment that she realized she was almost at a stop sign and
traveling over sixty miles an hour in a zone posted at thirty miles per hour.
Candace was forced to slam on the breaks. Fortunately the anti-lock braking
system in her Lexus SUV brought her to an abrupt but straight stop.
"Quiet yourself. Take a deep breath. You got to get yourself under control.
Briana needs her mother and Dan needs his wife. You could kill an innocent
person driving like a maniac. Maybe there is a physical explanation. Hormones, I
bet that's it, Women's desires are affected by hormones, maybe mine are out of
balance and that's the cause of these depraved thoughts. Jesus please forgive me
for what I just imagined about Father Elliot. He's a good priest and a man of
God. He deserves so much better than the kind of evil imaginings I subjected him
to, " said Candace as she drove slowly away from St. Marks.
"Hormones that must be it. They can make a woman behave illogically. I should
schedule a complete checkup."
Candace recalled that Doctor Abrams, her gynecologists, had said that hormonal
imbalance sometimes created irrational behavior. But that was five years ago
when Briana was born. It had been a difficult birth and Candace had almost died.
"No more babies, too dangerous for Candace," was the verdict. She and Dan had
wanted more children; but her physicians had said that the next child would
possibly kill her so Briana would be an only child. Dan had been seriously
disappointed that he would never have a son.
It had been difficult to accept that there would be only one child. However,
she and Dan devoted themselves to raising Briana. Everything had been going well
until last month when she began to imagine these awful things.
Candace decided to step back from this latest problem as she grabbed some
tissue from the dispenser in the car and wiped her eyes. "Let's get my feelings
under control. There's bound to be a rational explanation, If the source of my
problem is a hormonal imbalance, then its not really my fault," was what Candace
kept repeating to herself as she drove away from the church.
"Just take a deep yoga breath and relax. The explanation is probably buried
in my screwed up female plumbing."
Candace reminded herself that she was going on the annual Catholic women's
retreat this coming weekend. Dan and Briana were going to visit his family in
Connecticut while she spent Friday and Saturday night in a Carmelite convent
located two hours drive north of the city. Surely, spending two days with the
Carmelite sisters would bring her spiritual peace and banish all these impure
thoughts.
"I need spiritually cleansing, somehow I have strayed from the true path, the
retreat will put me back on the right track," said Candace to herself.
Candace's next line of thought surprised her. She decided that in the
meantime, maybe a little shopping might help her to clear her head and it might
even cheer her up. Candace had always rejected the idea that material things
could bring happiness but this afternoon, she felt desperate enough to give it a
try. She needed something else to think about besides her problem. Dan had
recently made a point of telling her she needed to update her wardrobe. Candace
realized she had several hours. She didn't have to pick up Briana from
pre-school until 2:00.
"I could use some new clothes for the retreat and Macy's is having a sale.
Summer's coming and I need some lighter weight, cooler clothes. These
full-length skirts and long sleeve blouses are awfully warm. Lately I feel like
I'm suffocating. I might even try the new salon and spa that opened last week,
they sent me half off coupon," said Candace as she drove toward the mall.
"I know it sounds shallow but my stepmother always said that there was
nothing like new clothes and the latest hair style to perk up a woman's spirits.
I certainly need something. If nothing else, it'll distract me for a few hours
and take my mind off all these bad things I keep imagining."
