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Swati's crush-ed
Author: Pandorius999
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(Added on Mar 31, 2012)
(This month 52446 readers) (Total 66953 readers) |
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Swati believes she's found her ideal man, rich handsome strong. So when he starts behaving nice, she has no idea what's in store for her. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 2 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (5/10) |
Average
Rating:  (4.5/10) |
| Highest
Rating: (5/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (4/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Apr 4, 2012 |
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Some really nice ideas.
*
First of all, I have to politely disagree with Major Littmann. This story's plot, while simplistic, wasn't actually implausible, at least from my perspective. The story revolves around a young, rather innocent and immature woman named Swati who makes some rather predictable mistakes and ends up being raped and tortured by the man she thinks loves her. It's not implausible. It's just shallow.
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Part of the problem with the story is that there doesn't seem to be any real depth. The main protagonist, Ricky, is an asshole and comes across as an asshole from the very moment we meet him. He's dating two different girls, who evidently don't know about each other, and what does Swati do? She thinks him a prime catch. Why? Because he was leering at her. Oh, Swati... you poor innocent fool. I blame your parents for raising you to be a moron. But neither Ricky nor Swati's character showed much depth. There was no real change in either of them, nor any kind of serious emotional repercussions. Heck, even the story resolution left things hanging without much of a change of state. Depth is essential to creating vivid characters that leap off the page. Like the plot, character development through the story should evolve, climax, and resolve.
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Where this story DID shine was the action sequence. The actual rape scene was vivid and inspiring. While the actions themselves were rigid, I found the whole chemical defoliation and especially the spatula spanking to be fantastic. In fact, I wish the author had expanded on those. Of course, there were a few oddities. For instance, why didn't Swati fight back? Was she really scared of a cigarette? Why didn't Ricky bind her hands? Lots of unanswered questions that leave readers pondering.
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There were also some issues with grammar. I'm going to assume, due to the setting of the story (which is obviously India or Pakistan) that the author is not a native English speaker. With that said, the lack of capitalization, the use of pop culture acronyms like "gf", and the clipped sentence structure are all minor issues. For someone who grew up not reading or writing, much less speaking English, this was damned good.
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I would recommend that Pandorius999 concentrate on adding depth and complexity with descriptions and a more intricate plot. Clearly the imagination is there, we just need a tighter vehicle to get it all to the reader. Keep it up.
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Yours Faithfully, Michael Alexander
(www.michaelalexanderstories.com) (5/10)
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- Replied by:
Pandorius999
(Edit) (Apr 4, 2012)
- Dear Micheal
Thanks for the review. You seem the only reviewer who actually gives constructive criticism rather than go on about my grammar and punctuation,
First, the reason for the poor language is both my indian upbringing and the fact that i use a mobile keyboard to write stories. My resources are rather limited you see.
Regarding character depth, i'll try to improve characters in future stories. the plot is indeed quite shallow, the story was written over an hour and a half on an android keyboard. still, i'll try to add more intricacy and complexity in the future.
Speaking of the future, this story was written quite some time back. I've written another series (A bitch's fall) which is on the same forum. I don't know if you've read it, but i tried to fix the character shallowness issue somewhat there. It's longer too, and has the ghost of a plot to go along. It's already got a "critical review", which was encouraging, but i'd like your take on it.
The reason i didn't expand on the chemicals and other novelties was that i wasn't sure how well it'd be recieved. one of my earlier novelties (booberator) on xnxx archives, got a 13/54 positive/negative ratio. So i tried to stay orthodox.
To conclude this rather long reply, i'd ask you to keep reviewing my stories. If you would prefer to communicate by email, my email is info@pandorius999.uni.me and bellona.renatus@gmail.com.
Pandorius999
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| Reviewer:
Major Littmann
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Mar 31, 2012 |
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Poor start poor implausible plot poor ending poorly written, basically not worth reading. Sorry (4/10)
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